Jus got a text from Katie telling me not to put her into my blog. That just really pissed me off cuz I thought I was being very diplomatic about what happened yesterday. I kinda snapped a little bit last night with Kate in the car. I guess it's starting to get to me that people think I'm Loco, the funny guy. That doesn't mean I'm gonna get myself walked all over. I don't respond well to being told what to do and tend to have a short fuse about it, along with being made to feel stupid. I don't mind feeling stupid in the least, as long as I'm doing it! As for being told what to do? Forget about it.

People here really don't know me, they know the cheery, silly, happy facade that I put on most of the time. Ok, I say facade, but that's prob the wrong word as that suggests that it's fake when it's not. I am genuinely all those things but there is still another level of me that if someone pushes the right buttons comes out and I snap. For example when I had beer thrown over me last night I REALLY wanted to smack her in her stupid head but I didn't (and never would) so I just got stressed instead. And when I wasn't bouncing around like a clown in the club the other night it surprsed Jane.

I'm not a stressful person, it's just living in this goldfish bowl where everyone knows about everything and you can't just freak out and have it not matter. I guess it's just getting a little claustrophobic and reminding me psychologically of all the things I hated about cruiseships. Having said that, if I was to go home for like a week and be sat by myself I'm sure that this would all be exciting and wonderful again. That was what I noticed after leaving ship, initially it was all gud cuz I was back home n stuff but then after the novelty had worn off I missed it like you won't believe (but I'm sure can imagine).

I guess I'm feeling a little lonesome as well. It's a weird paradox how you can be surrounded by people, yet feel totally alone. It's like loving someone so much that you hate them. Know what I mean?

The problem with this place is that if I talk to a girl there are certain expectations unwilling and unjustly attached to my actions and my words. For example if I wanted to go back to my room to talk with said young lady I could not suggest this as there would be the unwarranted insinuation that there would be sex involved which really would not be the case. I like people. I want to get to know people and want them to get to know me. 1on1 situations are far better if you actually want to have a real conversation with someone. How many people here have actually taken the time to talk to me? Sit down with me and ask how my day has been or just genuinely see how I am? You can be so close to people, yet mentally so far away. I'm not complaining and certainly not bitching, just observing. ESPECIALLY in regards to the fact that everyone is assuming everyone is shagging. I know unequivably that Louise and Ricky aren't doing anything untoward, because I get the situation. I understand it. Plus Rich, Louise's guy (ironic I know) is a decent bloke from what I have seen. I also get on really well with Ricky so I really don't see a problem. Yet everyone assumes (initially myself included) that they were getting it on. This is why I cannot criticise anyone for assuming everything is about sex as I was doing the same thing. But having said that, rather than make sweeping judgements based on assumptions and rumours I found out the situation for myself as is really is.